Communication is key

Because we live in a technology-driven world, we send messages to people every single day through our hand-held devices. But, what happens when we type the text message out on our phone and never push send? The person would never receive it. My amazing professor, brother Williams, uses this example to explain a type of communication- or lack of communication- that exists today among couples. Sometimes in marriages and relationships, we do all the “thumb typing”, but never push send to relay the real message out to someone.

A relevant example of this can be of a frustrated wife, acting angry towards her husband by ignoring him, slamming doors, and making passive aggressive comments. The wife is showing all the signs of anger or frustration towards something that her husband did to either consciously or unconsciously upset her. However, the wife is not effectively and healthily communicating with her husband; instead, expressing through words why she is upset, could solve a lot of drawn-out issues. Although it is difficult, speaking face-to-face with a person right when an issue arises, will most likely solve it sooner than later.

In class, brother Williams brought up many interesting and valid points that can be used in any relationship to help communication. First of all, starting off a conversation or day with anger is one of the worst things that a person can do before interacting with their partner, friend, sibling, etc. Actions and signs of anger will automatically prevent a “coming together” of individuals and their chance to communicate what they are feeling. Also, something that I really appreciate and am passionate about, is the feelings of people. Every person has feelings and emotions that are deep and real and need to be validated. Brother Williams explains how he encourages people to validate their partner’s feelings. Even if we do not know where another person’s thoughts or emotions are coming from, we need to make them feel safe and understood. If we don’t care and validate what they are feeling, why would we except them to come to us for anything else they want or need help with? We should not say “just suck it up”- this is one of the worst things that we could do to any family member, as well as when we are raising children whose emotions are developing. Compassion, will go farther and be more effective than carelessness.

Another point that is very helpful to know, is for couples to try and recognize the underlying feeling of the person they are trying to communicate with. For example, if your partner is angry with a comment you made to someone you were doubling with at dinner, search for the reason of why they seem to be angry. As brother William says; dig deeper. Maybe your spouse is not necessarily angry at a comment you made, rather they could be embarrassed, if that comment was directed towards them in a way that is possible to make them embarrassed. Sometimes the emotion that a person is showing, is not the real one they are feeling. If we dig deeper, and search for possible underlying emotions that is being shadowed by their defense mechanism of anger, we can truly fix the problem and change habits, instead of slapping a band aide on an infected cut.

Giving up should not be an answer! Marriage and relationships are difficult, however, healthy communication and learning tips of communication, can cut out some of the difficulty.

These principles that I have learned in class, made me realize some habits that I need to clean up before I marry a future partner. Looking back to when I lived at home, and even when I visit home, I realize why my mother and I tend to argue when we are together. When something is bothering me, or if I am feeling left out, I react very passive towards my mother, expecting her to know exactly what I am feeling. I tend to go in the other room and hide out, secretly wishing that she would come in and give me attention and ask why I am sad. However, instead of wasting hours of time sitting in a dark room being isolated from my family, I could have gone into the kitchen with my mother and express my negative feelings that I was feeling. By doing this simple task of talking and being raw and real, we could have found a solution of how to spend more time together, so that I do not feel left out. We could communicate and solve a problem that can no longer exist!

In our world today, I feel like it is so important to be real with our feelings and be real with communicating and expressing our desires to our loved ones. I am so grateful for my Family Relations class and the tips that I can use and share, to help couples with their current or future relationships.